Round number 4! We are going to talk about healthy boundaries. Have you ever been sucked in to a situation when you really don’t want to be there? Have you ever done something that makes you super uncomfortable but you did it anyway because you are good person and don’t want to make anyone mad? Yeah? Me too.
Now that the infomercial is over…It took me a long while to realize that proper boundaries are necessary. It wasn’t until very recently that I have started to take myself more seriously and started to also set boundaries. Plain and simple, I used to be afraid to tell people no.
I hated making people mad so I constantly lived in fear of someone being angry with me. I also stuck around in crappy situations because I felt like I was accepted, when I wasn’t. Putting myself last… yadda, yadda, yadda… Boundaries virtually didn’t exist in my life.
It didn’t matter how overwhelmed I was, if I had a headache, what was going on at work, how much I had planned to do… I always said yes.
Need help moving a couch? Yes! Need help watching your kids? I’m your girl! Oh, you want me to stop what I’m doing… And go sit at your house so you’re not lonely? Yes!
Then I would get really mad and I would blow up and say no in a not so nice or gracious way. And that’s what this series is about, learning how to address those feelings, moving past those feelings and now, how to set yourself up so there isn’t a repeat of bullshit by using boundaries and… Well you’ll have to wait for the next post to find out!
The art of saying NO!
You have the right to say no. This is especially true if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable. If the other person gets mad, who cares! Easier said than done, I know. But you absolutely have to have the ability to say no to break certain thought patterns or to stop any hurtful feelings and wretched emotions from creeping up. In my opinion that is one of the most important boundaries.
I am talking about if you have concert tickets, but someone asks you to help clean up their house for an important inspection, and you say yes because you feel like you have no choice, work your ass off, and then be told they can’t babysit for you as planned and you miss the concert, you should have said no. That was a true story! It’s also a time when I should have said denied help, but didn’t.
There are totally situations where saying yes to others is acceptable! Like helping my grandparents with things they aren’t able to do or taking a kiddo home whose parents weren’t able to make the pick up time because of work. Being helpful to people who truly need the help is different than doing things because the other person just can’t be bothered with it and would rather have you do it.
Missing that concert that Jacob and I had been waiting for was a pretty lame experience. After that entire day I felt angry and disappointed in myself and the situation. Mostly because everyone knew we had the plans and took advantage of my willingness to always help.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
If telling people no is something you haven’t been doing, then some people may take advantage of you. There have been numerous times I’ve broken plans because I felt like I had to be there for others. They knew I didn’t want to make anyone mad, so they would use that against me. Then when I would say no, they’d call me a bitch and fly off the handle. So I would ultimately end up doing it anyway. It’s a rather vicious cycle. Why did they get mad? Because they have a lack of respect for me.
Having respect for yourself and the ability to leave a hurtful situation are also extremely important. You can’t allow yourself to be treated like garbage because you want to make everyone happy all the time. You matter too and so does your happiness, your wants and your needs.
If you are constantly worried about what other people think or worried they will get mad because you said no, then how happy can you truly be? Putting your self care above all else is just as important as learning to say no. Loving and caring for others is something you can do when you fully love and care for yourself.
How to set boundaries:
I started this journey with finally reaching my breaking point. I decided to take back my happy. The feeling of being crapped on all the time (not literally!) and feeling like crap all the time. So I wrote everything out and let it go. A common theme to all of the junk I was going through? There were no boundaries!
The next few days, I worked on letting go of not caring who I pissed off or what the opinions of others were. There was an extra long bath and meditation session in there somewhere. It was a fury that made me want to change. Now, I know me.. I know that there is a risk of falling back into the old routine of people pleasing.
That is exactly the opposite of what I want to happen! I made a promise to myself to stick to the routines I have set. I am getting better at both not giving a crap and saying no! Making my mental health and physical health a priority is a must, where as before, it sat on the back burner. I have chosen to have respect for myself, and I demand it from others.
Having set boundaries does demand respect from those around you. Not in a police siren blaring in your face kind of way, but a more subtle way. When someone tries to push you to your limits, just politely and firmly say no. People will get mad, people might call you names (hopefully not though!) and then they will make things your fault.
It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You are not obligated to anyone that you don’t want to be. Over time, saying no, will be easier and start to feel better. The fear of pissing others off will fade too. Just remember, you matter too and it’s time to take your power back!
Be First to Comment