Dealing with pre-teen girl behaviors.

Kids are assholes. There I said it. More people should say it. Let me be clear not ALL kids are assholes. Just the ones that I’m raising, are assholes. Not the little one, she is cool and hasn’t grown up enough to grasp what her older sisters are acting like. But I know there will be a day when she will just flat out tell me “No” and actually mean it. There will be a day when I ask her to do her chores and I will be met with eye rolls and foot stomps because “you’re home all day, you do it”. Yeah, the older two like to throw that one in my face a lot.

It wasn’t always like this, when they were younger they were both eager to help with whatever I asked them to. They rarely said no, and sure as hell never stomped around or slammed doors. The dreaded pre-teen years brought this mess on. Now, I’m trying to navigate and be as gentle and loving as possible, because you never know what might set them off. Not even going to lie though, I lose my temper pretty darn quick once they start talking trash and being disrespectful.  There is a lot that I will put up with but trash talk and disrespect aren’t on the list.

Before we moved, I was a working mama. There was also a period of time I was a working mama while going to school. Since the move, I have the opportunity to be able to stay home with Willow, and be there for Shelby and Emory. This has always been my dream. But I’ll tell you what, this is the hardest (and most rewarding) job I have ever held down! Dealing with two kiddos in the midst of their teenage years, and an 18 month old who is part monkey, can become super stressful within the blink of an eye. I know, I know, preaching to the choir.

Their issue (code word for asshole-I-ness) truly arises when they think they don’t have to help around the house because I am here most days. They pop off with some snarky comment, and then continue ignoring me. I remember having a conversation with a dear friend of mine. She felt that I was being too hard on the girls by making a chore chart. They each had three chores to do a day. Simple stuff that was related to their age. Once their chores were done, they could go out and play, they could pick a movie, do a craft or read a book. My friend felt I was being too hard on them because her daughter only had one chore that she did twice a week. WHHHHHATTT?

That blew my mind! I respect that each parent has his or her own style. Some see chores as a punishment while others see chores as being helpful. That’s all good. You do whatever you feel is right for your family! Around our house, chores have always been thought of as being helpful or even a learning experience. One day the girls will be all grown up and they will need to know how to do things such as sweeping, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, taking garbage out and caring for pets. We currently have a chore chart up. Willow is even on it! Her chore is mostly to look cute, as she can’t read yet, I put that up there more for my entertainment than anything. If we ask her to pick up her toys, she does a pretty good job of at least helping pick them up and put them back in the basket.

Shelby and Emory each have two chores at the moment, feed and water the dogs and take the garbage out. I’ve recently caught myself just taking over and doing this myself. Sometimes its just not worth the fight and I’d rather just get it done. This isn’t right though, because it isn’t teaching the girls anything, except that if they sit there long enough or just start screaming, I will end up doing it. I’m pretty sure this is where the disrespect is coming from as well. I’ve always wanted them to be strong willed and to stick up for themselves. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind though!

If you are finding yourself in the same situation, you may be asking what the heck the solution is so we can end all of this! I’m sorry to report, that at least on my end, there isn’t really a solution except riding out the storm. I’ve heard that there is an age where they calm down, which is usually about 16. Which means I’ve got another cool four years of this!

Some pointers that have helped us work through this is to try and be understanding. Try and remember when you were 11 or 12, think back to how confusing things were. We just had a conversation with Shelby about making good choices, you know, the regular parent schtick. It turned into her claiming she was running away and many unnecessary tears. Try to have a sense of humor, but remember what you find funny might not be funny to them! In one instance someone made a rather realistic sounding gas type noise (if you get my drift) Jacob and I tried joking that it was Emory. Bam! Slammed doors and more tears.

The best peace of advice that I can give to those in the same situation, let them talk to you, and actually listen. Like I said before, kids this age are trying to figure themselves AND the world out at the same time. As parents we are always running around talking their ears off, telling them what’s right and wrong. I’ve found, letting them vent without jumping into mom-mode, seems to be what works the best. They need to know that they can count on you and come to you with problems. If you have girls, you could be in for a round of I-like-him-but-he-likes-my-best-friend. If you let them talk enough, they will eventually come to a conclusion that might surprise you and will then thank you for giving them advice. Plus they will feel as if they figured it all out on their own, which helps them navigate the scary and awkward road to what we all know as adulthood.

While they are assholes, they are my assholes and I adore them. I know that they are just trying to find who they are, where they belong and how far mine and Jacob’s limits are. There will be one day when I will look back at the fights, the laughter, the tears, and the cuddles and I will want it all back. So I will ride out this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type rollercoaster, because in the end, its all going to be alright.
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